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La Mission

I saw La Mission last night with a gay Chicano friend. I asked him to join me because I knew I would need to share my thinking and emotions afterwards. Instead, he just took off without much conversation - typical of him. Anyway, I don't feel I had the chance to share my impression of the movie. First of all, let me say afterwards, I was feeling RAW emotion on the darker spectrum. You know, anger, bitterness, hatred, and yes racism but what surprised me was who sparked this emotion. Given that I'm a Chicano who is also gay, I thought for sure I'd feel more empathy for the gay son in the movie but I didn't I was angry at his disloyalty and they way he sold out. You have his owner, a white gay boy filled will white gay privilege that nearly gets him killed and rather than acknowledge the love of his family and community, he runs to the bed of the master where he seeks his approval and the status that goes with it.

I also left and could not help but miss my own dad who has been gone for a year and half now. Afterwards I was feeling my dad is ways I've not felt in years and a deep ache that I don't have him here to fight with and keep me focused on what's important - FAMILY. I never doubted that my dad loved me, I just wish it did not hurt so much. Then again, he loved me in the only way he knew and after all was said and done, I'm a much better man because of my dad. Given that I was a sissy as a kid, I was getting my ass knocked around from the time I could walk until I went away into the Marine Corp. After watching the movie I could not help but think about how Chicano men have such a fear of feminization, which hinders their ability to express intimacy with out pain. When you consider our experience as an oppressed people I can understand the need to express hypermasculanity and to push back on the world in the only way you know - with fists.

I thought it was strange that the Madonna and Mother got conflated into the same symbol in the movie. They made her a saint when in actuality many mothers can be more rejecting of their gay sons then the fathers. Anyone who knows me, knows I love my mother but she is a VERY STUBBORN WOMAN! Her constant question "Why are you that way?" haunted me all my life. It has been this question that has motivated me to find answers in the social sciences. I found my answers but it still hurts to know that so many young men and women continue to be rejected over gender and sexuality.

What I liked most was the change seen in the father. His anger was tempered by time in the prison system and his reason to live was to provide for his son. There is something about a Chicano father and his first born son that goes very deep and when you learn that he is gay you have to mourn the loss of of potential, that you will not be present in the future through grandchildren which is our wealth.

For those who've seen the movie I can honestly say that unlike the gay son in this movie I never sold out for the white man's approval and I was never disloyal to my family, not even all the years when I couldn't be with family. I know what it is to hear "your dead to me." My heart was given to a dark skinned Tejano not a gabacho - never a gabacho. What success I have has been because of family not personal talent. All to often I see Chicanos who go into the academy and seek approval from their white academic masters and will sell their cultural capital for some academic respect. Seeing the son leave his family and side with his white master made me furious. Perhaps because my corazon left me for a white man and because many Latino men seek validation in the fetish love of the white man. Oh how I want to love a Chicano and be loved by one but the women in my life show me that a good man is hard to come by, one that can love and be loved by another man, nearly impossible - at least for my generation.

Thank you Peter Bratt for this story. It is perhaps the only time in my 46 years that I've gone to a movie and seen my experience represented.

This is a test!

I want to see if I can post this to Desire2Learn.

Timoteo

Where am I?

 

Where am I?

 

Zeitgeist, The Movie - Remastered / Final Edition -

ZEITGEIST, The Movie - Remastered / Final Edition - Full Production. What does Christianity, 911 and The Federal Reserve all have in common?

History Powerpoint-Vaudeville

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History Powerpoint-Vaudeville

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CDPHE Latino MSM community gathering questionnaire

On March 11, 2009 I received an email message from the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment. It was requesting "input" from me about organizing a community event, that looks something like a focus group for HIV prevention in the Latino gay community. Below is my response.

Good morning:

I appreciate you sharing this questionnaire with me and requesting my ideas about Latino HIV prevention here in Colorado.

I have been in contact with folks in the community so I know there continues to be difficulty with El Futuro program. I assume this questionnaire is about the restructuring process. I am happy to hear that finally CDPHE is willing to move beyond the few gate keepers, who have a personal financial interest in the funding but serve as a barrier to providing quality services to Latino men who are at high risk of HIV transmission.

If I can be honest, I'm very concerned about a process that taps the community for information and fails to give voice to a broader experience of oppression that we as Latino men experience, which is only compounded by stigmatized sexuality and other high risk behaviors. While I appreciate all that CDPHE has done in the way of providing funding and technical assistance, if I can be so bold, the implementation has been one failure after another. I can recall, from the first day the doors opened at El Futuro there has been escalating schism within our community. It has been my observation that how CDPHE directs the process has been a big part of the problem. I don't know what the plan is with this community gathering and what objectives you hope to achieve but all too often I see reactive behaviors on the part of "community leaders" and CDPHE that results in hurt feelings, confusion and lost energy in what I see as a very important project.

Based on the questionnaire I'm concerned that we are going to see more of the same given the approach repeats a flawed methodology. It is my informed opinion that who you will have come to the table are those who are already educated about the issues and who anoint themselves as "community leaders;" CDPHE then directs the work based on a few influential voices. The problem is that you only tap a specific social network at the cost of those who are most in need of HIV prevention services; those who do not have a fully developed identity based around sexuality. Unlike the white gay community, we as Latinos find ourselves caught at the intersection of various stigmatized identities that ultimately results in a devalued sense of self, which then plays out in high risk behaviors. We don't hear from those who have been silent or are invisible to both the Latino and Gay community. If we are ever going to raise the quality of HIV prevention in Colorado we need to move beyond the current model and begin a process that creates something new. Before that can happen there needs to be systemic changes which include:

•    A contract monitor within CDPHE who "gets it." By that I mean, knows the Latino and GLBT community based on personal experience and current social research. Someone who knows something about nonprofit business models, which includes the operation side (policy, procedures, budgets, marketing, etc.) and equally important, the program development side of an agency. He should have a good understanding of both qualitative and quantitative methodology in particular Participatory Action Research. Someone who knows Latinos across the state as opposed to a few vocal voices here in the Denver metropolitan area. Someone who has a firm understanding of how the federal and state system works (both treatment and prevention) and is effective in disseminating that information in meaningful ways that is helpful for those implementing the work. Most important, someone with a thick skin who can withstand harsh criticism – many in my community do not know how to play nice.

•    It is vital that we have a representative advisory council made up of talented men who are able to begin the process of organizing the community as well as the process of establishing a 501(c)3 agency. Until these men can be self-governing and autonomous from an umbrella agency, we will continue to see problems we had with ECCOS/El Centro Esperenza. The representatives should come from across the state and from various experiences to adequately represent community needs. I would hope this group could then develop into a functioning board of directors.

•    As I see it, the most important component is to gather updated information directly from Latino men living in Colorado from various communities across the state. We need a comprehensive needs assessment that implements natural observation, focus groups, in-depth individual interviews that allows for a better understanding of what it is to live here now. For that, you need someone who can be trusted and that will not just happen because someone knows how to write a good proposal. Once we have this information, it needs to be disseminated to Latinos in a way that brings the community together and provides alternative social networks. Social marketing can then be used but at this point, it's putting the cart before the horse because we are ignorant of the lived experience of Chicanos, new immigrants, transsexuals, bisexuals, and others who are at risk of HIV transmission.

In a nutshell, this is what I see that needs to happen if we are going to do something different, otherwise you can expect the same outcomes. I have over 20 years of personal experience in Latino HIV prevention and 10 years of academic research that qualifies me to know what I'm speaking about. I have and always will be willing to help. As I have shared with key informants, I'm not willing to volunteer my time and give away my knowledge and talents. It's a difficult economic market out here and so I am willing to participate providing there is a role that compensates me financially, but more important, a contract that allows me the authority to implement the work.

If you continue to be interested in my ideas and you're willing to enter a negotiation that establishes a quality working relationship, I welcome the chance to speak with you and your team about the future of Latino HIV prevention in Colorado. Otherwise, go with god and you have my continued prayers for success.

Respectfully,

D. Timoteo Barajas

Reviving Timoteo’s Thinking!

I have neglected this blog for some time but recently I've had a number of ideas that I'd like to capture. Most of these ideas are related to courses I'm teaching at the Community College of Denver. I'm teaching a number of psychology courses including: General Psychology; Human Growth & Development; Child Development; Human Sexuality; Psychology of Gender; Psychology of Prejudice & Discrimination. Some of this builds on the work as a PhD student with the University of Denver, Graduate School of Social Work.

It is my hope that by publishing this material, others will take a look and offer feedback about what it is I have to share. In the end, this is an exercise in developing my personal and academic voice. While I may not be as articulate as many, I do believe I have valuable ideas to share.

Timoteo